Recovering forgotten memories of childhood abuse and incest.
A year after experiencing my first flashbacks of childhood sexual abuse and emotional incest, this is how I felt. (Warning: It’s dark and raw, with some light at the end.)
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I’ve often heard the saying “The truth will set you free”.
Have you heard it too?
Each time I heard it, before September 2015, I believed it to be true.
In September of 2015, I began uncovering forgotten memories. I began having flashbacks of being sexually abused by my father. I began seeing the emotional abuse and incest from both my parents for what it was — abuse.
Have you ever seen the movie, Narnia? It’s a story where these kids open the door of this large, mysterious wardrobe and walk through it to find a completely new, secret world.
The day I had my first flashback. I felt like those children. I suddenly saw this new reality flash before my eyes, one I never consciously knew existed.
Except I wasn’t lead into the magical land of Narnia, like those lucky children. What I discovered was not covered in white, beautiful, pure snow. Instead, it was a deep, dark, twisted forest. It was full of lies, deceit, abuse, rape and incest.
It was a nightmare. Not a dream.
And then, about a year after having my first flashbacks, I found myself wishing I could go back, and forget. Exit the new reality I lived in, and go back to the old one.
I wished I could forget everything, or just give up, and die.
It was in the midsts of another panic attack, when I was on the edge of another suicide attempt. It was the middle of the night, when it was dark, and I was exhausted. My entire body ached.
I sobbed as my body shook and I wished I could go back, close the door I’d opened a year earlier. I wished I could go back to the fantasy I’d created in my mind and lived in for 20 years, where abuse didn’t exist. I wished I could go back to living in denial.
Trying to calm myself down and distract myself from the voices in my head, I opened up a book to a random page and my eyes immediately honed in on a familar set of words…
“The truth will set you free”
This time, seeing those words enraged me.
I felt maddened by this saying and how untrue it felt for me in this moment. I wanted the whole world to know how destructive child abuse is and what it actually feels like to face the truth. Because it didn’t feel freeing to me, not one bit.
So, as I continued to sob, I got out a pen and paper and wrote this poem/rant.
I hope it helps anyone, who like me, has had to face the horror of what really happened in your childhood.
I’ve heard it said before,
a million times repeated,
“the truth will set you free”.
But there’s a part thats missing,
the part that’s the truest,
I wish I’d heard it different,
I wish they’d said…
“The truth will set you free,
but it wont happen immediately.
First it will crush you,
suffocate you,
and drown you.
You’ll gasp for air every night,
every day,
and every moment.
You’ll see your life on the screen,
All the lies will play before you
It will hit you,
surround you,
and swallow you whole.
Everywhere you look,
you’ll see it,
you’ll hear it,
you’ll taste it,
you’ll smell it.
Sleepless nights,
deafening screams,
crushed limbs,
and breathless tears.
Crying out for help.
You’re needing relief,
You’re reaching out,
But nothing is near.
Your heart feels it’s burning,
Your soul yearns for the light.
Hopeless.
Helpless.
Powerless.
Defenceless.
The truth doesn’t set you free,
at least not immediately.
You’re wishing you were dead,
you’re wishing you could forget,
you’re wishing you could close the doors,
and stay in bed.
Forever.
But they’re open now.
The doors wont close.
You remember that you survived it once,
Thinking this will help.
But it doesn’t.
You want to change the story,
re-arrange it,
pretend its different.
Your mind continues to race,
faster and faster,
wanting the finish line so bad,
that it breaks.
Your mind shuts down. It stops.
And you feel it,
The truth.
It’s here,
with you.
It won’t leave you.
It’s devastating.
It’s heartbreaking.
Will you survive it?
It’s still not setting you free,
its taking you hostage,
You still cant escape it,
it’s on a rampage.
You give up.
But then you feel it once more.
You cry.
You give up again.
No fight left,
No will to live,
You close your eyes,
shut them real tight.
Pure exhaustion hits,
and takes you to sleep.
You think it’s over,
while you’re sleeping.
You think you can rest now.
But you’re wrong.
The truth never sleeps,
it visits you in your dreams.
It comes again,
tonight.
Like every night since you began,
and opened it’s deafening doors.
Your body shakes,
You begin to scream…
You stop.
Something has changed.
Something is different.
Tonight,
it whispers in your ear;
“I’m here and I’m sorry you’re hurt,
I promise one day you’ll be free,
But first you’ll need to see,
I’m not the enemy,
I’m your friend,
I’m here with you,
I’m by your side,
If you come with me,
You’ll see,
It wasn’t your fault,
like you think it was,
You’ll see that you’re innocent,
Like you always were,
You’ll see the cause,
I’ll show you the effect,
You’ll see it wasn’t you,
like you think it was,
It was him,
It was her,
It was them.
The shame,
the hate,
the envy,
the crazy,
It wasn’t yours,
It was there’s.
They are the cause,
They created the effect,
the hurt,
the screams,
the pain you feel.
I’m sorry,
It’s true.
I have to show you,
You have to see.
It wasn’t your fault,
like you think it was,
You’re innocent,
Like you always were.
I promise one day you’ll be free.
One day when it’s time,
I promise this to be.
Even when you doubt me,
I’ll show you the way,
Hold my hand and follow me.
We wont rush it,
We wont race,
I don’t have a shortcut,
I don’t have an escape.
But one day we’ll get there.
I promise,
We will.
And that day you’ll see,
you’ll deeply, truly see,
It wasn’t your fault,
like you think it was,
You’re innocent,
Like you always were.
And on this day,
you’ll be free
So hold my hand now,
I’m by your side,
Be patient my friend,
And come with me,
It wont happen immediately,
It wont happen soon,
But if you stay with me,
You’ll get your new life,
You’ll finally be free.
It is me you can trust,
For the truth I am,
Its true you’ll be free,
But it wont be immediately.
Rest now my friend,
for tomorrow we’ll continue.
The doors are still open,
It will surely still hurt.
But together we’ll walk,
Side by side.
The day will come,
When you’ll step through the doors,
The doors that you opened,
The doors that you faced,
To the other side,
Where you’ll finally be free.”
I’d love to know what you felt and thought reading this. Do you have a similar story? Let me know below if you feel called to.
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